#20 - Things Aren't Always As They Seem

Sam Bradford picking up his plunder in NYC 12/08 Rhett Bomar - Former OU savior QB

When One Door Closes, Another One Opens. Sometimes what we percieve to be setbacks turn into other opportunities that wouldn't have otherwise materialized. I'm a big sports fan and like most areas in life, there's always a litany of inspiration there to see if you look close enough. The above sentiment came to me when I saw the University of Oklahoma QB Sam Bradford win the Heisman Trophy this past December in New York City. Bradford was a life-long Sooner fan who grew up dreaming of the feats he's gone on to accomplish back when he was a youngster growing up in Oklahoma City. Still, he needed some breaks to go his way to be the Big-Man-On-Campus, as starting QB for the ol' Cream and White, you know, aside from all the hard work, determination and preparation. They do say good luck is when ability and preparation meet opportunity. Sam Bradford has both in spades.

When Bradford showed up on campus in the fall of 2006, Oklahoma was reeling in the wake of young stud sophomore QB Rhett Bomar being kicked off the team (as well as an offensive lineman) for accepting illegal compensation from an Oklahoma car deal (an OU booster of ill-repute) for summer work they never performed. While red-shirted as a freshman, Bradford, and fellow freshman Keith Nichol (from Lowell, MI) were never seriously considered to start (that job went to senior Paul Thompson). Still, that OU squad had uber-talented RB Adrian Peterson to fall back on, and managed to still win the Big 12 and go to a BCS Bowl game, despite starting a shaky 3-2 (featuring a controversial loss to the Oregon Ducks that most OU fans still shake their heads about). Bradford, not nearly as heralded as classmate Nichol, sat patiently, learned and waited for his chance to compete.

The following spring Bradford, to the surprise of most followers of the program, won the starting job as a red-shirt freshman. While he wasn't asked to do too much early, he played well, flashing the maturity and pocket presence of a far more seasoned player and improved steadily as the season progressed. He even helped OU win the Big 12 title again and back to another BCS Bowl game. By seasons end Coach Bob Stoops was allowing Bradford to make plays and showcase his immense skills.

Flash forward to this year. Nichol, seeing that barring an injury he be relegated to career back-up status if he stayed at Oklahoma, opted to transfer to Michigan State. With a talented case surrounding him, Bradford took his performance to the next level, breaking all kinds of Sooner scoring records on the way to winning the Heisman Trophy as a redshirt sophomore. Even more importantly, the team found itself in the BCS-title game, playing for the mythical National Championship against the Florida Gators. He's also going to return for the 2009 season to lead the Sooners, yet again, and he along with Tim Tebow will have a chance to join Ohio State's Archie Griffin as the only 2-time Heisman Trophy winners in the history of college football!

Definitely in this case, alls well that ends well. If Rhett Bomar never takes that summer job in 2006, or doesn't get caught, this story probably never happens, as Bradford probably wouldn't have had a chance to start until this season, if ever. While many took Bomar's dismissal from the team to be a negative at the time, it has turned out to be the ultimate blessing for all in Sooner Nation. Well, maybe for all but Rhett Bomar.

#19 - Hope

“Without hope, there truly is nothing”.
With hope, man can accomplish all things he sets out to do in time. Even at rock bottom you can always recover. A turnaround is always possible for someone who has breath in their lungs, and a reason for hope. For hope is the oxygen of dreams. With hope, there’s always a way out, something to look forward to. The suicidal person is that way because for whatever reason, they have decided to despair and give up the one thing that could save them: hope. They see no way out. Viktor Frankl, in his seminal work “Man’s Search for Meaning” said that those who managed to make it out of the Nazi concentration camps alive were the ones who held on to some sort of hope that, despite the horrors and inhumane conditions around them, they would get out alive and see their loved one’s again. That gave them the fortitude and will to brave the torture, and daily grind of oppressive hopelessness that surrounded them from all sides.

Most of us will never have to undergo that extreme type of situation (thankfully), but we are all faced with challenges and conditions that may appear dire. I found myself at age 31 drifting through a meaningless existence of being some 70 pounds overweight, little career prospects and low self-esteem and managed to find hope and a meaning beyond myself. My burning desire became to help myself first and then seek to help others who had similar challenges I had faced. I lost the weight, got a purpose, and have pursued it ever since, daily. Without hope, that downward spiral may have continued unabated to heaven knows what end. Hope is where a spark of a belief of a better tomorrow can become the flames of a bright and enriching future.

#18 Learn The Lesson

This guy is thinking about his lesson

Learn the lesson, then live. When people do let you down or betray your trust, it’s important to forgive them. However, just as importantly, learn the lesson and don’t leave yourself open to being taken advantage of by the same person or circumstances again. If there’s someone in your life who’s repeatedly proven to be untrustworthy or an emotional anchor (enervator), it would naturally behoove you to avoid them as best you can. It’s entirely possible to forgive someone for past transgressions, yet keep them at distance without taxing your emotions to the brink or build a wall around your heart. Many of us have relatives, friends and co-workers, for example, in our lives where it’s not practical to avoid them altogether. You can, when forced to deal with them, simply do so in a strait-forward, almost professional, manner without getting emotionally heated or wrapped up in their drama. Make the conscious choice to not get your emotions involved and the chances of getting hurt and not re-opening old wounds go down considerably. You can live life on your own emotional terms if you are of a mind to.

When you say you forgive someone, it’s best to leave it in the rearview mirror and not bring it up. As the saying goes: forgive, but don’t forget. The reason you don’t forget is if you don’t learn the lesson, history (your own history), is destined to repeat itself. Bringing it up continuously, however, is counterproductive as it continually binds you to the old, upsetting emotions. It’s a fine line, but your own sanity and growth depends on it.

#17 Forgiveness

Forgiveness is the key to living life with an open heart. It’s a natural, indisputable fact that people, which are fraught with faults, defense mechanisms & neurosis, are bound to hurt and let you down from time-to-time. Human beings, myself included, are too flawed not to. This can be as minor as neglecting to keep a promise, or as tragic as murder. It’s an inevitability, that at some point your feelings will be hurt by other people. You will be victimized. You’re not living a full life if you aren’t. On the other hand, there are ample and never-ending opportunities for people to surprise and impress you with their kindness and love as well!

If you allow anger and bitterness to take hold at those who have wronged you, it’s a dead-lock certainty that you’ll be victimized more than once. The first time will be when the offensive incident occurs, and from there you’ll be a repeated victim indefinitely, until you manage to let it go and move on. The reason why is you’ll have your guard up to new opportunities to learn, grow and love in the future as your shield won’t allow anything else to come in, out of fear of exposing yourself to disappointment again. In the long run, it’s you who will suffer most from the hardening of your heart. This leads us to Lesson #18…(come back Monday 1/26/09 for the follow-up)

#16 - Consistency & Persistency

Consistency & Persistency are the twin levers of accomplishment. Used in tandem they can overcome lack of money, talent, natural ability, favoritism & any manner of obstacle.

Wholesale changes can’t be done in a single day, week, or month, for 99.9% of us humans. The best way to effect long-lasting, effective, life-altering change is in day-by-day, incremental application of activities that help further your growth. Someone may be blessed with a particular skill or aptitude but still fall short of it being useful, or fulfilling their potential from lack of use or of taking their birthright for granted. The reverse is also true. Someone may be “smarter” than you scholastically, for example, but through consistent & persistent study & learning you can achieve better results (i.e. grades) in school than them if they goof off and don’t apply themselves to their studies. This principle is an evident truth across all spectrums of life & most successes in their given field’s are those who combined their inate abilities with their consistent & persistent actions. The roadside is littered with "talented" people who failed to cultivate and nurture their God-given abilities to their full bloom. Don't be that guy (or gal).

#15 - Decisiveness

Be slow and deliberate to make up your mind. Be even slower and more deliberate to change it. When it comes to making a decision on matters of import, a wise man never haphazardly or randomly makes up his mind how to proceed. He wisely considers his options in a given situation and projects, as best he can, what he can reasonably expect to be the results of his decision and his following actions. Once he has considered the options available to him and a decision and course of action are finalized, it's incumbent upon him to see it through to the best of his ability.

Seeing as we are all human and misjudgments can easily be made, and situations develop based on our actions differently than anticipated and other factors outside of our control, it's concievable, if not likely, circumstances will arise where we'll deem it a prudent idea to change our minds. Just be sure when you come to that conclusion, you've reasoned it out just as, if not more, thoroughly, than when you made the initial decision. It's easy to become frustrated, bored or disillusioned with the staying the course sometimes, but all moments pass. Spring always follows the winter. Be as sure as you can that you're deciding to switch course for the the greater good and overall gain, not as an impulse.

#14 - Building A Legacy

None of us is capable of living forever in the flesh, but it’s possible to leave a much longer-lasting impression in spirit. This is done by making a difference in people’s lives, primarily your children and loved ones, and passing down your life lessons, spirit of generosity, and ethics. This is called leaving a legacy.

This can be applied both positive or negatively. Gandhi would be a great example of a positive legacy, while most would agree Adolf Hitler would be a prime example of a tragic one. While few of us will leave that type of imprint on history, good or bad, they did, we all have that potential within us. This is particularly true within our sphere of influence.

Be mindful of the impact you have on that sphere and consciously choose your actions, attitudes and decisions with the Longview in mind. Don’t fall into the trap that what you do doesn’t matter and is happening in a vacuum. Fair or not, the things we do and the course we take impacts people in a variety of ways, both seen and unseen. The better decisions you make & actions you take, the more enjoyable and fulfilling your life will be today and in the decades when you have the benefit of perspective. To put in more common vernacular: Don’t screw over Future You and those who have a stake in you.

#13 - Purpose

“If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything”-Dr. Dre
I’m sure Dr. Dre is not the first person to say that, just the first one that comes to mind for me:). When you are fulfilling your life’s purpose and directing your attention, energies and efforts toward that end, a feeling of calm and confidence flows naturally like a current. When you become distracted and fail to consistently do the things that enrich and fulfill you, it’s like a dam being stopped up. The current stops, the water stagnates and the life inside slowly dies and becomes putrid smelling, disgusting and gross.

To live life in this way requires a definite chief aim (I get this from Napolean Hill, a man with much wisdom) and a healthy dose of faith, courage and discipline, especially initially, when you are still feeling your way around. Eventually, when you make enough deposits of positive action and courage, it becomes engrained as a habit. It’s by knowing your purpose, coming up with a plan to pursue it (goals), building it and finally maintaining it, where real power and fulfillment for yourself and others originates from. Otherwise you leave yourself to the mercy of fate and whatever passing fancy comes along.

Give To Receive

#12 - If there’s something you really want, you are often required to give it first. Maybe it’s the universe of a higher power testing our worthiness, but, more often than not, we have to give before we are able to receive. The ironic thing is, that when you give with the intention of receiving, you are almost guaranteed to be met with, yet, more disappointment still. Paradoxically, if you give for the sheer peace of mind of it and to express gratitude because it’s the right thing to do, you get what you gave, plus interest. It’s all about intention. The more pure, or unconditional, the intention, the more you get back in return.

If you desire friends, be friendly. This will garner you many friends who will be as loyal as you are to them. It’s amazing how it worksJ.

If you desire love, give love unconditionally. See for yourself how it magically boomerangs back to you! It’s uncanny.

Oftentimes, usually out of greed or fear, we want to know our "return on investment" before we act. Human relationships aren't designed that way. They're designed in such a way that you reap what you sow. The only way to get the most out of them, and in life, is to live with a spirit of genorosity with your heart open. Zig Ziglar famously says "if you want something, help another person get it first". Sure there will be people who may attempt to take advantage of you, but trust that this boomerang effect will give them what they have coming. Besides, you can only control your actions and intentions.

It may not be always immediate (see Lesson #10, God’s delays are not God’s denials), but if you consistently act in ways that you would like to be reciprocated (The Golden Rule), it will assuredly be returned to you.

Choosing To Accept People's Criticism

#11 - Just because people try to give you crap doesn't mean you have to accept it.

No one knows why unhappy and miserable people try to take out their inner frustrations and problems out on innocent bystanders and those of us unfortunate enough to have to deal with them in those states. Maybe they're having a bad day, perhaps they're of the belief that life has dealt them a bad hand, or they were raised that way and like to bring others into their personal drama. The potential reasons are infinite.

Irregardless of why, it's up to each one of us whether or not to accept their, for lack of a better word, crap and let it affect us or not. To illustrate: Once there was a yogi who had a reputation for being unflappable. No matter what you said to him, he wouldn't respond negatively or retaliate in any way. So this guy from the city heard about the legend of this yogi who is as cool as a cucumber and the man considered it a personal challenge to provoke the yogi into defending himself or even perhaps lashing out verbally and/or physically at the man.

So this guy finds where the yogi is and not even getting his name, begins tearing into him, upbraiding and insulting him deeply in a variety of ways personally, and even into his his family. When that doesn't work, the man called into question the yogis manhood, his sexual orientation, and even let fly some racial slurs. Nothing was out-of-bounds. After about 20 or so minutes the man realizes that nothing will move the yogi, no matter what he says. Exasperated, the man finally throws up his hands in surrender to the yogi, "I don't get it! What kind of guy doesn't defend himself and let's a total stranger completely run roughshod over him, and even worse, his entire family?! Have you no honor?! Are you a total coward?! Do you even understand English?!"

The yogi, after several uncomfortable long seconds of silence, says to the man, "Stay here," and walks off. Confused, yet intrigued, the man says to himself, "I hope he's not getting a shotgun to blow my head off". A minute later the yogi reappears with what appears to be manure in his hand. "Take this," he says to the disgusted man and tries to hand him the rancid feces. "Are you crazy, old man?! No way I'm taking that!" "You will not accept my offering?", the yogi countered. "Why would I ever do that?", the man asked sarcastically, "are you some kind of sicko or something?" "Well, you came to me with diarrhea of the mouth, spewing your hateful, ill-informed filth and I've never had the displeasure of knowing you. Why would I accept that from you?" the yogi responded calmly.

With that the man finally showed the yogi some respect, bowed his head, apologized for his ill-founded hostility, thanked him for the lesson and gracefully leaves, wiser than when he came. The moral, of course, is if a crazy, old guy offers to shake your hand with crap on it, get out of dodge before he does something really crazy!

Faith & Patience

#10 God’s delays are not God’s denials. So often people want what they want, when they want it. No ands, ifs or buts about it, if results, particularly favorable ones, are not immediately forthcoming after the expenditure of effort, too many of us will throw up our hands in frustration, ready to scrap the whole thing. While there is a fine art to being able to tell the difference between the law of diminishing returns, where you may be kicking a dead horse, and persistence, it’s important to not be too quick to give up and move on at the first hint of trouble or resistance. Many circumstances in life are out of the realm of control and subject to timing. Many years ago my good friend really liked a young woman whom he felt he had a kinship and great chemistry with. However, she never seemed to be available for him to date, as she always was in another romantic relationship. My friend Jim, despite the heartache of seeing Liz go through bad boyfriend after bad boyfriend, was steadfast in his friendship. Eventually, after seven long years, the day came when she was free and Jim finally got his chance to court her as more than a friend. I’m proud to report they got married in 2003 and are happily married today, the picture of wedded bliss!

This age old principle is applicable to a multitude of situations. If you are consistent, persistent and concern yourself with things you can control (your effort and attitude), then the natural laws of the universe (you reap what you sow) will ultimately reward you.

Passion

#9 Passion without a plan is so much wasted energy. While it may feel good or like a release in the moment of passion, or inspiration, if it has no structured outlet or purpose to be directed at, it’s similar to a hit of caffeine or buzz from drugs or alcohol. A good feeling for as long as it lasts, sure, but unsustainable and ultimately pointless and even potentially dangerous if you get addicted to the feeling for it’s own sake.

Although I’ve never been addicted to any illicit drugs, however, I did used to read motivational books to get an emotional buzz and not take action on any of the excellent ideas and mental scenarios I’d fantasize about, that would, for a brief period of time anyway, get me out of the psychological rut I happened to be in. Temporarily. For me it was an momentary escape from the reality of my life gradually sliding downhill. Ultimately though, I’d gradually come back to my same old reality, unchanged and worse off because I’d attribute the negative feelings of coming down to the “false hope” I’d gotten from the book or tape. Consequently, I’d use this as fuel for self-pity and rationalization for my overall sense of lack. Once I got clear on what I wanted out of life and came up with concrete, structured ways to direct my energies and passion, I started to experience real change & genuine self-confidence that sustained and nurtured my passion while continually renewing it. Passion finally became my ally when fortified by a concrete plan of action to direct it towards and helps buoy me past those days when I come upon inevitable setbacks and moments of doubt and fear.

Update: For regular readers of this blog I've decided to update it regularly every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. If there's a holiday or a computer is unavailable to me for some reason I'll publish it early or late.

Discipline

Hopefully your walls aren't this high

#8 - The irony is many of us spend more time attempting to devise ways to "cheat" discipline

or avoid the hard work it takes to achieve anything of consequence. Many a small fortune has been lost by men in get-rich-quick schemes, promising easy profits with a minimum of effort. Not to mention those whom look for a miracle pill to lose pounds and inches as if long-term weight loss came in a bottle If we become the few who consistently embrace the process of small daily actions and allow that discipline to become a habit, the rewards we reap would be infinitely worth more than the effort we expended doing it.

The obstacles we come upon, or walls, if you will, are there to keep out and filter those who are insincere, or lukewarm in their desire and efforts. If it were easy everybody would be doing it. For bold men (and women) of action, they are a challenge to be mounted. A mere temporary annoyance to be scaled! Tempted to take shortcuts of efforts or intimidated by the fear of the unknown as they may be, even if only for a moment, they rise above the temporary circumstance and exhaust their resources through using the tools at their disposal and are propelled forward by the righteousness of their purpose and intention. For these men of valor and decisiveness, the spoils are not in the scaling of the walls themselves, but in being the kind of person they become in getting over to their own personal promised lands.

We all pay some kind of price: the price of discipline, or the price of regret. One seems harder on the surface, but paves the road to peace of mind and a sense of well-being. The other seems easy on the surface, but leads to the kind of pain that is sneaky, insidious and leads to the loss of self-respect. The choice, as always, is yours.