#41 - Goals

"A goal is just a dream with a deadline" - Harvey Mackay in "Swim With the Sharks Without Being Eaten Alive"

Most of us have heard of that so-extreme-it's hard-to-believe statistical study that was done in 1979 for students in the Harvard MBA program whom were polled to see if they had goals or not. 3% had clear written goals, 13% had goals that weren't in writing and a whopping 84% had no definable goals at all. When they followed-up with those people ten years later, the 13% who had goals, but not written them down, were earning twice as much as those 84% who didn't. The 3% who had written them down? They were earning 10 TIMES as much on average, as the other 97% percent combined! Amazing seems to be an understatement. And these were people going to Harvard Business School, the best of the best, hardly slouches in their field. http://www.lifemastering.com/en/harvard_school.html

No matter how scientific you view such statistics, it's hard to argue with the compelling results they underscore of those who keep and maintain written goals and then stick to achieving them.

All of us at one time fantasize, or day dream, of things we'd love to do, things we'd desire to own, trips we'd long to take, experiences we fantasize of engaging in, and careers we'd love to have. The key difference between the dreamer and the achiever is the dreamer is content enough to visit his desires in the realm of fantasy (the showroom of his/her mind), than return to reality where they don't have to go any further with it. The achiever, in contrast, writes down, in detail, exactly what they want, what steps they plan to take to get there, and proceeds to take massive, consistent action. The difference is easy to see. Sadly, more of us take more times planning a typical vacation than we do to write down goals that would benefit not only our lives, but those whom are impacted by us.

Whatever the mind can conceive and then believe, mixed with curiosity, persistence and faith, combined with a plan can, and will be, achieved. Will it be you? Or someone else? The choice, as it always has been, begins and ends with you!

#40 Fearing Disapproval

"Permitting yourself to be held back from progressing because you fear the disapproval of people you don't admire is madness" - Johnny Soporno When one rationally stops to think about why we care about other's opinions whom really, truly don't care about us, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. However, we all do it. Okay, I'm exaggerating: only 99.999% (approximately) do that:)!

Theoretically I would venture to guess that it comes hardwired into each of us biologically. In pre-historic times, when humans travelled in bands and lived in nomadic tribes, and the average person didn't venture more than a 100 miles from their birthplace in any direction (and that was being really far from home), their survival, to a huge extent, depended on the support of the village. To be an outcast back then meant certain death. If the proverbial powers-that-be or your neighbors didn't like you or were threatened by your "uniqueness", you were out on your ear, either killed outright, or sent out into the wild to fend for yourself, which was a vertiable death sentence, in-and-of-itself. Not real good options to choose from. So, to generalize, to conform meant to prosper and survive.

Well here in the 21st century in the United States of America where I live, the consequences of dissent have changed considerably. In fact, there's even profit to be made from it if you know how to leverage it. No matter what gender, color, creed, religion, socio-economic group, we all hunger for love and acceptance at a core, biological level, there's always a certain culture or lifestyle somewhere in just about every major city or online (now that the world is virtually connected) where you can have your basic needs of human interaction and companionship met without having fear of being isolated socially. To not be your true self, doing what you want to do because you fear judgment of those of little or no consequence is truly unnecessary and "madness". No one is going to appeal to all demographics anyway. If you even came close you'd have to be a wishy-washy shapeshifter. Simply stated, the most important choice a person can make is being true to their individual and/or collective purpose and letting the rest take care of itself.

#39 Fairness

Action figures or life lessons in disguise?

"Win-win or no deal" - Stephen Covey from The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People

Negotiation is a part of life that none of us can avoid. So thinking win-win applies to everybody at some point. Whether its coming to a simple agreement about how to spend a Sunday afternoon with your wife or child, wrangling over points in a business contract or coming to an acceptable price for a service or good, the worst deals are the ones where one-side gets all the spoils, while the other side is a one-legged man on the wrong end of an ass-kicking contest. The classic 'win-lose', in other words. The folly in this one is the one on the short end of things feels cheated and resents the person who got the better of them. Even if they do deal with the other person again, it will likely not be in good faith. Even the person who got the better of the deal wins the battle, will likely lose the war. Their short-term gain usually becomes long-term pain, as the person they got over on will likely not deal with them ever again and they garner a reputation as someone who will seek to rip you off, which tends to dry up subsequent opportunities. In contrast, the win-win is where both sides feel like there's a balance, and they both got something of value out of the bargain. While it's subjective for each party, the relative worth of that value, typically both parties feel like they gave up something worthwhile and relatively of equal worth.

As a simple illustration, when I was about 10 years old or so we used to have a swap meet in my school where we'd trade G.I. Joe action figures. For me, it was great as I would work the system to get more figures, which was a priority for me, while for many of my peers wanted the newest, hottest figures (which I considered to be nice but of secondary importance). When I'd get my Christmas or birthday gifts, I'd get new stuff (usually the only time I got new stuff) and trade it for several of the olders ones who were still good, just not the hottest ones. The classic quantity over subjective 'quality'. This was a great example of win-win as I got what I wanted (more guys) and they other kid got what he wanted (the coolest, newest guys). However, there was one kid I hated to deal with. To him the art of the deal was him screwing you over so he could brag about it later to everyone else. We'll call him B.J. B.J. was one of those kids who just wouldn't leave you alone until you finally made a deal with him to leave you alone. The ol' "use obnoxiousness as a weapon" tactic. One day I had something he really wanted and he kept badgering me to make a trade. He kept on-and-on until finally I gave in because I just wanted to be left alone at that point. He offered me something that was a pretty lousy deal and I agreed to it. After the trade was consummated you'd have thought he went from four feet tall to 15. He went around the gym and hallways bragging to anyone who'd listen to him, how he got over on Hall. Ad nauseum. It was one thing to knowingly take advantage of someone (me), but it was another to rub my face in it. Suffice it to say I immediately regretted ever dealing with this brat. And never did again. B.J. with his constant nagging may have worn me down once but he never would again. As I recall he had a tough time finding any other trading partners the rest of the year and he was basically persona non grata amongst us G.I. Joe enthusiasts after that. A classic example of win-lose transactions backfiring.

The way I conducted business was the essence of a win-win scenario. Both parties getting what's important of value in return in an equitable manner. Even to this day I wonder if B.J. ever got the memo.

#38 Outside Projecting the Inside

(Bottom) Me in 2006

(Top)Me in 2009

"You always project on the

outside what you feel on the inside" - Dennis Waitley

When I was 250 pounds in December 2006, it was a clear indication that I had significant inner turmoil going on inside me. I was in a terrible rut in my life, and due to me feeling dull, uninspired and stuck on the inside, I used binge eating and an addiction to Playstation College Football as a coping mechanism to dull the sharp edges of the emotional pain I was feeling (or what some would term "eating my feelings"). It was a vicious cycle that continually reinforced itself.

Obesity and serial escapism are not the only way for inner turnoil to manifest itself. Ever notice how the vast majority of drug addicts and alcoholics don't look like supermodels at the peak of their addiction (unless they are supermodels). When someone feels unconfident, unloved, nervous, stuck, etc., we project it in a variety of ways. A friend of mine used to call it "leakage". It's in your posture, the way you project your voice, and how you carry yourself, i.e. body language. We all have different, unique coping mechanisms to escape the pain. For me it was food. For you it may be overwork. For millions it's drugs and/or alcohol. Someway, somehow the negative emotion exacts it's toll and it reflects outwardly.

Of course the other end of the spectrum also projects as well. When you feel good, it radiates and your spirit seems as if it's on a higher plane of consciousness. I've had the pleasure of experiencing those types of peak experiences and can testify to their healing and restorative powers. You smile more, you talk and walk with a bit more confidence and authority, and take more pride in your appearance. When you feel like a winner you act like a winner. Success tends to breed more success.

So, what do you project to the outside world? Notice that when you feel energetic how much more open and outgoing you are vs. when you feel tired and worn down, how you tend to be more touchy and closed off. And remember, to a large extent, you have final say in how you feel and what mindset you bring (called "choosing your attitude") and ultimately project accordingly. While I have my "off" days, more often than not, I choose to bring a positive and winning attitude. Now I just have to remind myself to read this post when I'm not "feeling" it:).

#37 - Facing Fear

"What would you do if you weren't afraid" Spencer Johnson from the book "Who Moved My Cheese?" Admittedly, there are times when fear is warranted and can serve you, like when your life is in mortal danger. However, the type of fear I'm talking about is the kind that stops you cold from getting what you really want. The kind that paralyzes you from taking action on what you need to grow and develop. The variety of fear that holds you back and restricts and keeps you from experiencing life to it's fullest.

Usually people are most fearful of the unknown. No matter if they are living in their own personal version of hell or close enough they can see it from where they live. Some of us would rather stick with that because, hey, at least they know what that feels like and they've become accustomed to it on a level they can stand. Maybe they feel like they have too many obligations to family, career, etc. and they don't want to chance it or they simply feel trying to better their lot in life is "unrealistic". Even if it's a straight jacket to their potential, they reason at least it's a straight jacket that's familiar and comfortable.

Growing up, that's kind of how my Dad was. He once literally said to me "if you never get your hopes up about anything, at least you can't be dissapointed about what you get". Say what?! What the heck does that mean? And he was serious! No wonder he wasn't a motivational speaker.

There's a vast difference between good, healthy risk-taking based on confidence in yourself and your abilities and being naive and reckless. Setting a goal, or trying something new outside of your comfort zone, is all a part of growth and learning about life and your capabilities. And stretching them gradually, facing the fear maturely, realizing that each failure brings valuable experience you couldn't acquire by not attempting something outside your current skill set. This experience allows you to re-adjust your approach and eventually grasp your success as you use the lessons you've gathered. So ask yourself: what would I do, be, attempt, if I wasn't afraid?

#36 - Grace

"No one has the right to do wrong, even when wrong has been done to him" - Viktor E. Frankl

It may be human nature to want to strike back and get revenge when you or someone you love has been wronged. Nobody wants to be perceived as being "weak" by others. Growing up in the city of Detroit in an urban environment I was exposed to people being wronged or disrespected (dissed) on a daily basis. Kids were always testing each others manhood. As if we were in a jumgle, much of seemed to be a natural weeding out process, a veritable "survival of the fittest". Survival is one thing. That's our animal instinct talking. What is better is moving beyond that simplistic mode of thinking. We are past the point in our evolution where we don't have to hunt game to maintain our survival, or band together in gang-like fashion and wage petty and pointless "turf" wars. Conflict to establish physical dominance is an outmoded way of life.

Mr. Frankl, who wrote the above quote, was held at a Nazi concentration camp. Who would've had more reason for moral outrage than the Jews against the Nazis? Millions of them were imprisoned unfairly, tortured, beaten, broken and exterminated out of a government and country's fear, misplaced aggression and sheer ignorance. It was senseless and one of the most shameful blights and mass genocides in human history. In his seminal work "Man's Search for Meaning", he says that even though the Nazi's committed these atrocities, it would solve nothing to strike back against them and continue the cycle of destruction and hate. Their righteous suffering didn't give them the right or special privilege for equal retribution. Excess bitterness would continue the chain of victimhood that needed to be broken and not continue unabated. If you continue the cycle and escalate matters because you feel justified by the wrongs done to you, then destruction and more hate are sure to follow. No one ever gets "even". Once you forgive and accept, you can break the chain and move on to a higher level of living. This being the rarest of states: a state of grace. You will have succeeded where the mongers of hate and misery have failed, and subsequently wallow in their limited and spiteful existence far worse off, never knowing the peace and love you've opened your heart to. The universe has a way of punishing those who appear to thrive using evil means. It requires a special kind of person to have that kind of faith and let the Lord do his work.

#35 - Trust

Trust is one of the hardest things to acquire, yet one of the easiest things to lose. This is one of the great paradoxes of life. No one can say for sure why you can spend a lifetime with someone doing the vast majority of things well, making deposits in someone's emotional bank account (I borrowed this concept from Stephen Covey), and with a bad decision or two, destroy a relationship or, at the least, taint it considerably, with most people. There are very tolerant people, and, unfortunately, folks who are human doormats who have a high tolerance for irresponsible behavior, I realize. For most of us that isn't the case and fewer words are more hurtful or damaging than hearing "I can't trust you" from a loved one.

Depending on the seriousness of the transgression: lying, cheating, and stealing (you know, the biggies), etc., and depending on whether the person you committed this sin against is the forgiving type and willing to take into the account the totality of your charcacter and other actions you've done over the life of your relationship, you may not pay that serious a penalty (relatively speaking) as if you did it to a hard-line, intolerant type. Still, the relationship, and the nature of it, has been strained and depending on the aforementioned factors, will take a lot longer to restore to it's prior state, especially in relation to whatever it was that was done. In extreme cases, the situation is irreparable and trust is never regained. Once that lense of trust and confidence is altered there's a road you have to travel down to re-adjust it back. Nobody likes to be viewed with eyes of suspicion, even if it is well-earned.

That's why before we do something we know could have consequences of violating trust we weigh the potential benefits vs. penalties, particularly loss of trust, before we do something risky. Often momentary lapses of judgment have unintended, dire consequences because we failed to reason out the potential results of our actions when we indulged in a passing fancy, gave in to an impulse of a fleeting moment, or basically put our needs before the needs of another in a hurtful way. Many of us never learn this discipline and fail to take others into consideration in those moments of unfortunate decision. Perhaps this seeming inequity has it's roots all the way back to the biblical story of Adam and Eve, when God's trust was irrevocably violated by Eve's mistake of eating from the one tree she was explicitly told not to. Seduced and tricked by the serpent herself, she subsequently entangled her husband Adam in the same mess, violating his trust. From that moment on they became ashamed of their nakedness and humankind has never been the same again. Way to go Eve! Good lookin' out.

While most choices or violations of trust aren't that clear-cut and dramatic, we all know, in our guts, the fundamental difference between right-and-wrong and what our loved ones and friends consider a violation of trust or their standards. It's up to each of us to decide whether the juice is worth the squeeze.