#39 Fairness

Action figures or life lessons in disguise?

"Win-win or no deal" - Stephen Covey from The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People

Negotiation is a part of life that none of us can avoid. So thinking win-win applies to everybody at some point. Whether its coming to a simple agreement about how to spend a Sunday afternoon with your wife or child, wrangling over points in a business contract or coming to an acceptable price for a service or good, the worst deals are the ones where one-side gets all the spoils, while the other side is a one-legged man on the wrong end of an ass-kicking contest. The classic 'win-lose', in other words. The folly in this one is the one on the short end of things feels cheated and resents the person who got the better of them. Even if they do deal with the other person again, it will likely not be in good faith. Even the person who got the better of the deal wins the battle, will likely lose the war. Their short-term gain usually becomes long-term pain, as the person they got over on will likely not deal with them ever again and they garner a reputation as someone who will seek to rip you off, which tends to dry up subsequent opportunities. In contrast, the win-win is where both sides feel like there's a balance, and they both got something of value out of the bargain. While it's subjective for each party, the relative worth of that value, typically both parties feel like they gave up something worthwhile and relatively of equal worth.

As a simple illustration, when I was about 10 years old or so we used to have a swap meet in my school where we'd trade G.I. Joe action figures. For me, it was great as I would work the system to get more figures, which was a priority for me, while for many of my peers wanted the newest, hottest figures (which I considered to be nice but of secondary importance). When I'd get my Christmas or birthday gifts, I'd get new stuff (usually the only time I got new stuff) and trade it for several of the olders ones who were still good, just not the hottest ones. The classic quantity over subjective 'quality'. This was a great example of win-win as I got what I wanted (more guys) and they other kid got what he wanted (the coolest, newest guys). However, there was one kid I hated to deal with. To him the art of the deal was him screwing you over so he could brag about it later to everyone else. We'll call him B.J. B.J. was one of those kids who just wouldn't leave you alone until you finally made a deal with him to leave you alone. The ol' "use obnoxiousness as a weapon" tactic. One day I had something he really wanted and he kept badgering me to make a trade. He kept on-and-on until finally I gave in because I just wanted to be left alone at that point. He offered me something that was a pretty lousy deal and I agreed to it. After the trade was consummated you'd have thought he went from four feet tall to 15. He went around the gym and hallways bragging to anyone who'd listen to him, how he got over on Hall. Ad nauseum. It was one thing to knowingly take advantage of someone (me), but it was another to rub my face in it. Suffice it to say I immediately regretted ever dealing with this brat. And never did again. B.J. with his constant nagging may have worn me down once but he never would again. As I recall he had a tough time finding any other trading partners the rest of the year and he was basically persona non grata amongst us G.I. Joe enthusiasts after that. A classic example of win-lose transactions backfiring.

The way I conducted business was the essence of a win-win scenario. Both parties getting what's important of value in return in an equitable manner. Even to this day I wonder if B.J. ever got the memo.

#38 Outside Projecting the Inside

(Bottom) Me in 2006

(Top)Me in 2009

"You always project on the

outside what you feel on the inside" - Dennis Waitley

When I was 250 pounds in December 2006, it was a clear indication that I had significant inner turmoil going on inside me. I was in a terrible rut in my life, and due to me feeling dull, uninspired and stuck on the inside, I used binge eating and an addiction to Playstation College Football as a coping mechanism to dull the sharp edges of the emotional pain I was feeling (or what some would term "eating my feelings"). It was a vicious cycle that continually reinforced itself.

Obesity and serial escapism are not the only way for inner turnoil to manifest itself. Ever notice how the vast majority of drug addicts and alcoholics don't look like supermodels at the peak of their addiction (unless they are supermodels). When someone feels unconfident, unloved, nervous, stuck, etc., we project it in a variety of ways. A friend of mine used to call it "leakage". It's in your posture, the way you project your voice, and how you carry yourself, i.e. body language. We all have different, unique coping mechanisms to escape the pain. For me it was food. For you it may be overwork. For millions it's drugs and/or alcohol. Someway, somehow the negative emotion exacts it's toll and it reflects outwardly.

Of course the other end of the spectrum also projects as well. When you feel good, it radiates and your spirit seems as if it's on a higher plane of consciousness. I've had the pleasure of experiencing those types of peak experiences and can testify to their healing and restorative powers. You smile more, you talk and walk with a bit more confidence and authority, and take more pride in your appearance. When you feel like a winner you act like a winner. Success tends to breed more success.

So, what do you project to the outside world? Notice that when you feel energetic how much more open and outgoing you are vs. when you feel tired and worn down, how you tend to be more touchy and closed off. And remember, to a large extent, you have final say in how you feel and what mindset you bring (called "choosing your attitude") and ultimately project accordingly. While I have my "off" days, more often than not, I choose to bring a positive and winning attitude. Now I just have to remind myself to read this post when I'm not "feeling" it:).

#37 - Facing Fear

"What would you do if you weren't afraid" Spencer Johnson from the book "Who Moved My Cheese?" Admittedly, there are times when fear is warranted and can serve you, like when your life is in mortal danger. However, the type of fear I'm talking about is the kind that stops you cold from getting what you really want. The kind that paralyzes you from taking action on what you need to grow and develop. The variety of fear that holds you back and restricts and keeps you from experiencing life to it's fullest.

Usually people are most fearful of the unknown. No matter if they are living in their own personal version of hell or close enough they can see it from where they live. Some of us would rather stick with that because, hey, at least they know what that feels like and they've become accustomed to it on a level they can stand. Maybe they feel like they have too many obligations to family, career, etc. and they don't want to chance it or they simply feel trying to better their lot in life is "unrealistic". Even if it's a straight jacket to their potential, they reason at least it's a straight jacket that's familiar and comfortable.

Growing up, that's kind of how my Dad was. He once literally said to me "if you never get your hopes up about anything, at least you can't be dissapointed about what you get". Say what?! What the heck does that mean? And he was serious! No wonder he wasn't a motivational speaker.

There's a vast difference between good, healthy risk-taking based on confidence in yourself and your abilities and being naive and reckless. Setting a goal, or trying something new outside of your comfort zone, is all a part of growth and learning about life and your capabilities. And stretching them gradually, facing the fear maturely, realizing that each failure brings valuable experience you couldn't acquire by not attempting something outside your current skill set. This experience allows you to re-adjust your approach and eventually grasp your success as you use the lessons you've gathered. So ask yourself: what would I do, be, attempt, if I wasn't afraid?

#36 - Grace

"No one has the right to do wrong, even when wrong has been done to him" - Viktor E. Frankl

It may be human nature to want to strike back and get revenge when you or someone you love has been wronged. Nobody wants to be perceived as being "weak" by others. Growing up in the city of Detroit in an urban environment I was exposed to people being wronged or disrespected (dissed) on a daily basis. Kids were always testing each others manhood. As if we were in a jumgle, much of seemed to be a natural weeding out process, a veritable "survival of the fittest". Survival is one thing. That's our animal instinct talking. What is better is moving beyond that simplistic mode of thinking. We are past the point in our evolution where we don't have to hunt game to maintain our survival, or band together in gang-like fashion and wage petty and pointless "turf" wars. Conflict to establish physical dominance is an outmoded way of life.

Mr. Frankl, who wrote the above quote, was held at a Nazi concentration camp. Who would've had more reason for moral outrage than the Jews against the Nazis? Millions of them were imprisoned unfairly, tortured, beaten, broken and exterminated out of a government and country's fear, misplaced aggression and sheer ignorance. It was senseless and one of the most shameful blights and mass genocides in human history. In his seminal work "Man's Search for Meaning", he says that even though the Nazi's committed these atrocities, it would solve nothing to strike back against them and continue the cycle of destruction and hate. Their righteous suffering didn't give them the right or special privilege for equal retribution. Excess bitterness would continue the chain of victimhood that needed to be broken and not continue unabated. If you continue the cycle and escalate matters because you feel justified by the wrongs done to you, then destruction and more hate are sure to follow. No one ever gets "even". Once you forgive and accept, you can break the chain and move on to a higher level of living. This being the rarest of states: a state of grace. You will have succeeded where the mongers of hate and misery have failed, and subsequently wallow in their limited and spiteful existence far worse off, never knowing the peace and love you've opened your heart to. The universe has a way of punishing those who appear to thrive using evil means. It requires a special kind of person to have that kind of faith and let the Lord do his work.

#35 - Trust

Trust is one of the hardest things to acquire, yet one of the easiest things to lose. This is one of the great paradoxes of life. No one can say for sure why you can spend a lifetime with someone doing the vast majority of things well, making deposits in someone's emotional bank account (I borrowed this concept from Stephen Covey), and with a bad decision or two, destroy a relationship or, at the least, taint it considerably, with most people. There are very tolerant people, and, unfortunately, folks who are human doormats who have a high tolerance for irresponsible behavior, I realize. For most of us that isn't the case and fewer words are more hurtful or damaging than hearing "I can't trust you" from a loved one.

Depending on the seriousness of the transgression: lying, cheating, and stealing (you know, the biggies), etc., and depending on whether the person you committed this sin against is the forgiving type and willing to take into the account the totality of your charcacter and other actions you've done over the life of your relationship, you may not pay that serious a penalty (relatively speaking) as if you did it to a hard-line, intolerant type. Still, the relationship, and the nature of it, has been strained and depending on the aforementioned factors, will take a lot longer to restore to it's prior state, especially in relation to whatever it was that was done. In extreme cases, the situation is irreparable and trust is never regained. Once that lense of trust and confidence is altered there's a road you have to travel down to re-adjust it back. Nobody likes to be viewed with eyes of suspicion, even if it is well-earned.

That's why before we do something we know could have consequences of violating trust we weigh the potential benefits vs. penalties, particularly loss of trust, before we do something risky. Often momentary lapses of judgment have unintended, dire consequences because we failed to reason out the potential results of our actions when we indulged in a passing fancy, gave in to an impulse of a fleeting moment, or basically put our needs before the needs of another in a hurtful way. Many of us never learn this discipline and fail to take others into consideration in those moments of unfortunate decision. Perhaps this seeming inequity has it's roots all the way back to the biblical story of Adam and Eve, when God's trust was irrevocably violated by Eve's mistake of eating from the one tree she was explicitly told not to. Seduced and tricked by the serpent herself, she subsequently entangled her husband Adam in the same mess, violating his trust. From that moment on they became ashamed of their nakedness and humankind has never been the same again. Way to go Eve! Good lookin' out.

While most choices or violations of trust aren't that clear-cut and dramatic, we all know, in our guts, the fundamental difference between right-and-wrong and what our loved ones and friends consider a violation of trust or their standards. It's up to each of us to decide whether the juice is worth the squeeze.

#34 - Success Conciousness

"Success leaves clues" - Anthony Robbins There are very few things under the sun that haven't either been done, thought of, expressed or written about, ad nauseum, especially in this era of the internet where a guy like me in his room in Nashville, TN can have a worldwide audience (if they only knew where to find me:) ). But I digress. For the most part, it's all been done before in a some way, shape or form. How this applies to success is you don't have to re-invent the wheel, necessarily, to be successful. If someone else did it, so can you for the most part. Of course there are exceptions, (for example it's unlikely any of us reading this could ever break a world speed record, no matter how much effort we put into it, if we're not gifted with some predisposition to do so).

The first step is defining for yourself what success means to you. Otherwise you're aiming at a target you can't identify or see. I can't think of too much more frustrating than that, yet that's what most of us do on a daily basis. Now, remember, it's your definition of success, not someone else's. Failing that, everything you do will have a hollow, unfulfilling feel to it. It won't be personal or meaningful for very long.

Once you've established that criteria, the best thing to do is to find someone in the arena you want to be successful in and model them, specifically their actions and mindset. Be open and willing to learn, adapt their approach and the spirit of what they're doing and success, if you commit to it and pursue it with daily renewed vigor and effort, is only a matter of time.

#33 Self-determination

"It's not where you start, it's where you finish". No one can control the circumstances of where they were born, who their parents are, how they are raised, etc. Early on in life, much of who we are is formed and shaped. Many of our beliefs, attitudes, fears, biases, etc. Still, at some point, we are responsible for who we are as human beings, independent of our lineup of influences.

I grew up in Detroit, MI and would've been considered lower middle-class. Think the family in "Malcolm In the Middle", and you're not far off. My parents were hard-working folks, but weren't overly educated themselves (my Mom has since gone on to get her college degree). Many of my friends from that old neighborhood became products of their environment and ended up involved in petty crime, drugs, and all other manners of failure in life, including death. While my parents did the best they could and sent my siblings and I to private, Catholic schools, it would'nt have been much of a stretch to get dragged into the wasted lives of some of my childhood friends got mixed up in. My parents did a good job of helping me not fall into that type of lifestyle.

When I was a teenager and impressionable I was a caddy at a local country club and had an opportunity to see how the "other half" lived on a daily basis. While some were indeed snobs (as is often the stereotype), many of the guys I caddied for were kind enough to share with me some philosophies and impart lessons and wisdom that have served me well, such as the nugget this post is based on. The first time I heard it was when a golfer hit a pitiful drive that barely left the tee box somewhere near the ladies tee, and was able to recover by hitting two perfect shots following that, making a putt and, thus, save his par on the hole. No pun intended, but upon further reflection, it's apt in the regard that no matter where you start in life, once you are a full-fledged adult, it's up to you, through your actions and intentions, to determine the trajectory and the course of where your life leads you and where you ultimately end up. We can make all the excuses and rationalizations we want, but America is chock-full of Horatio Alger stories of people rising from obscurity to prominence. Sadly, it's also riddled with self-destructive cautionary tales of people born into all manners of advantage and privilege who let it all slip away for no good reason. The choice is in all of our hands whether to stand up and be counted and make a difference, or to shirk the duty and resign one to a life of medicrity, or, in extreme cases, outright failure.

#32 Calculated Risks

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. While it often makes sense to mitigate risk, be it financial, emotional, etc., far too many of us take it too far and are varying degrees of reluctant to leave our comfort zones and expose ourselves to failure of some sort.

Most dying people, however, regret the things they did NOT do much more than the things they DID do (or at least that the way it seems). Of course there are exceptions to every rule, but if you never or rarely do anything that requires some degree of risk there are countless, untold opportunities you will miss out on in terms of personal relationships, job and advancement opportunities, money-making ventures, and most of all, a sense of adventure and fulfillment in the course of a worthwhile and exciting life. Far too often we let our fears dictate what we can and cannot do. Try, and you might fail. But try, with an honest, sincere effort and you may succeed beyond your wildest dreams! Even if you temporarily fail, there will be valuable insights and lessons to take away that you otherwise would've never been exposed to. Many people have used their "failures" to guide them to eventual, wild success.

This is not a license to be careless or reckless, mind you. Certain things simply don't need to be attempted to know a tragic result would follow ( such as leaping headlong off a tall building without a chute). Use your intuition, judgment and research to prepare and aid you in deciding the best way to proceed or decide whether the proverbial juice is worth the squeeze. There is no shame in failing, only failing to plan.

#31 - Developing Skills

"Give a new skill time to grow and develop without harsh judgment and experience with wonder" -Timothy Gallwey from "The Inner Game of Tennis"

All of us have a tendency to be too hard on ourselves when learning a new skill. Not just tennis, but with any new skill, we are trying to learn and develop. Gallwey explains it simply by saying we have two distinct selves. Self 1, which tends to be a critical task-master, and Self 2, which is the non-judgmental, experimental side, which executes our physical movements and attempts to figure things out through trial-and-error non-judmentally. What happens is Self 2 will go about its business, intuitively performing, figuring out what to do, not to do, how much, where to position yourself, so-on and so forth. Once your 2nd self starts to figure out the parameters of what works and what doesn't, it automatically finds a groove and establishes guidelines and ideals of performance. Not to be ignored, that's where Self 1, in an ill-conceived plot for perfection, butts in and begins to judge, admonish, cajole, motivate and attempts to instill what it perceives to be "necessary" discipline. In an effort to gain "consistency" and "maximize" performance, Self 2 highjacks the spontaneity of Self 1 and begins to judge the efforts of Self 2 as either "good" or "bad", "satisfactory" or "unsatisfactory". Though Self 1 is attempting to help, this is where the conflict arises.

The problem is that the free-flow of whatever you're doing pretty much ends, as Self 1's harsh, perfectionistic judgments hinder Self 2 with expectations and pressure. This begins to show itself in performance and becomes a self-fullfilling prophesy (no pun intended) and a vicious cycle. We assign ourselves too much credit when Self 1's instructions work out, and too much inner blame when they inevitably don't at times. This breeds another unwanted side-effect too, I've found. When you do what you're supposed to, it's a relief or a quick feeling of meeting an expectation. When you don't, it brings anger, frustration and disparaging self-judgment. Long-gone is the original joy of playing a game for it's on sake. Fun and relaxation are far removed from the equation by the time Self 1 exacts it's heavy toll. Leaving the victim (us) to wonder: what was the point of all this again?

Instead of over-analyzing and assigning a value judgment when we are trying to learn or get the hang of something, it's far more sensical to continue to experiment and give ourselves the freedom to make the requisite mistakes to maximize the effectiveness of our performance. You're not a bad person if you put a little too much overspin on the ball (that's analogy is for you tennis guys-and-gals). Don't treat yourself like it. This gives us a chance to be natural and spontaneous again, and if you're lucky, bring a true genius forward that would've never surfaced under Self 1's well meaning strictness. It also seem like it would be more fun as well.